The night before

So tonight is the night before my big in service exam....the dreaded ABSITE. With my placenta brain I have had problems staying awake long enough to study each night. I admit I wish I had had more time to do some really serious studying. But at this time I think I've come to a moment of peace where I just have to realize my priorities. I'm making a baby for crying out loud! That's my top priority right now. I need sleep, I need to eat....and there is no question as to what I'm going to choose when these decisions come up. So tomorrow as I take my exam, wish me luck. I'll be fine...I've been preparing everyday for this test as I take care of the sick and dying. I'm a good resident, and this test is only a tiny bit of my overall performance evaluation. F it! I'm good to go :)

Junior

Have you ever seen the movie "Junior" with Arnold Shwartzenager? Well I have decided that when we have our next child my husband has got to do the whole pregnancy thing. I think I'm done. It's been a 3 grueling months, and I give up. I think I need to be sedated for the next 6 months. I only think it fair that we share the burden. I guess another not so practical option is to take 9 months off next time I get pregnant. Granted I probably will have to eat Ramen noodles for nine months straight since I won't be bringing in any income but that would be the price I think I may be willing to pay.

Who knows. These crazy pregnancy hormones are really controlling the show here. Once I have that little bundle of joy I may go into an oxytocin coma and end up deciding to get pregnant right away (despite my current state of mind). Maybe it will be easier the second time around. I've heard that most moms feel better about their pregnancies once they actually know what to expect.

In the mean time however, this is not easy. I feel like the only thing I'm good at is making a baby...wish me luck on my in-service exam this next week. The combination of placenta brain, and sleep deprivation has me bit worried...

Another Ultrasound

So today I went to another OB appointment. I'm so glad I'm going to a group in my own hospital. If I didn't I don't know how I would be able to make all of these appointments. How do regular people with jobs do this? I bet employers just get fed up with it by the end of 9 months and want them gone cause they have missed so much time from work before the baby even comes (and that's assuming you don't actually have any problems, heaven forbid).

So the best part of my OB visits are the ultrasounds. One of my coworkers was so surprised that this was my second ultrasound already. He said his poor wife didn't even get her first until they were past 20 weeks. Man, I am a lucky girl. No matter how crappy that little parasite is making me feel, seeing that tiny little body on that fuzzy screen makes it all worth it (even for a few short moments). My husband really love the pics too....he was terribly disappointed that he wasn't going to make it to my appointment today. I got extras (when you're a doctor you're not beneath begging when it comes to the small things you know another doctor can provide for you). I know I'm a big baby, and I know I complain a ton.....but....I'm in love with that tiny fuzzy ultrasound picture of my soon to be baby. It's some seriously good stuff. I'm sure before ultrasounds women just threw themselves over bridges cause they couldn't take the craziness anymore of being pregnant with no proof of viability and progression of their baby. Placenta brain will do that to you (it's nutz). Well these little photos will just have to keep me going until my next ultrasound, whenever that may be...

Excuses

I'm sick of making excuses. I'm tired. I don't feel well. I wish my belly was bigger so everyone would just say..."oh she's pregnant, no wonder". But instead my mini bump gets me nothing. I feel bad still for needing to sit down during rounds. I hear myself apologizing for being pregnant. What? Apologizing? Yeah, it's true. I guess being a surgery resident makes you tough. But it also makes you want to be tough. I'm having a really hard time giving myself a break....when it comes to just about everything. I'm used to taking care of things myself. I'm a freakin' machine (usually). My husband has tried to tell me over and over again that I have other things going on. I'm building a baby piece by piece. It's not an excuse. It's the truth. Any parent would do whatever they could to make their child's life as wonderful as it can be. I guess I'm just starting earlier than most people. This is a huge sacrifice. This is hard. I feel dumb. I feel weak. And I feel like I can't be the hard core scalpel wielding bad a$$ I usually am. It's not easy.

I just have to remember that my priorities are not the same as the single non-married non-pregnant residents I work with. I may not be able to study as well for our upcoming exam. I may not be as prepared for work day to day. But it's all a balance. I need more sleep. I can't drink coffee and energy drinks like everyone else. I can't pull all nighters. I'm making a baby here people. I don't want your sympathy. I want your understanding. Don't compare me to everyone else. I'm me, and my situation is different than everyone else's. I need to stop apologizing. This is me. I rock! So there.

Up

So I just watched the movie "Up" with my husband. I know it's supposed to be an adorable Pixar animated film....but I'm telling you, it was an emotional roller coaster. For any that haven't seen it, put it in your Netflix cue now, and actually see it. I was a complete wreck for most of the movie. It makes me think about what I'm actually missing....in particular, what I'm missing because I'm spending the "best years of my life" working 80 hours a week and taking care of other people instead of myself. This really used to bother me, especially during internship. I always felt like I was missing out. Ii didn't know what I was missing out on. But I felt like there was something more that I wasn't being able to experience. Having children was always one of these things I thought I was missing out on (well that changed). Now being pregnant has really made me realize how wonderful a life I lead.

Yeah, yeah...you're all rolling you eyes and about to look at some dumb blog on celebrity wardrobes now....but I'm serious. I'm a freaking' lucky chic. I'm smart (I'm a doctor for crying out loud)....I'm healthy (some people have a really hard time conceiving for one), and I'm married to a man I love and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. Really, with all of those things what else do you need? My husband always says that "you already have all the tools to be happy now". It's true. I think most of us just don't see that on a regular basis.

So while "everyone else" is living the high life...I won't be missing out. Work is a drag at times. But you can't buy an MD. You can't pay money to save a man's life with your bare hands. No one can take any of those experiences away from me. Someday when I'm older and have my babies, I may decide not to work a million hours a week. It won't make me a crappier surgeon, it will just make me a better person. Someone people want to be their doctor, because they can truly relate with them.

I like my life. I like the simple things we do like going to the movies and talking walks around the neighborhood. I like doing nothing at home on the weekend with my man. I'm not missing anything. Those that think I am are the one's really missing out...I win at life.

The impatient patient

So I think I have a UTI....now this really bites. The worst part about be sick, is that I'm also a doctor. I scare the crap out of myself every time. Today I got myself in such a tizzy I actually called my own doctor. Which unfortunately usually makes the situation even worse. I have a pretty good understanding of the infection at hand, but I have no idea what it really means if you're also pregnant. As a surgeon I really don't deal with the gestationally impaired very often. So even though my symptoms aren't classic, and I couldn't give the doctor any of the cute buzz words she was looking for I'm on antibiotics. One I had never heard of, and now I'm concerned is either going to damage my liver or cause pulmonary fibrosis.

When I show up to the OB office in my scrubs, they remember who I am and treat me like an educated person. But when I called the answering service today she kind of gave me a hard time. Maybe it's cause I called on her day off, or maybe she was actually in the middle of something important....but still. I think the main message here is that I HATE BEING A PATIENT! I know too much and too little at the same time. Enough to be dangerous to my own psyche and enough to annoy doctors with my educated questions. But at the same time I just want to be treated like all patients do.....tell me everything is going to be OK....and give me something to make it better. Be a doctor for crying out loud!

Sleepless nights...

One of the real joys of being pregnant are the sleepless nights. I'm usually pretty darn exhausted, which means I'll fall asleep at 7pm. But it also means I wake up in the middle of the night restless and not exactly in a sleeping mode (but then again not in a mode to do much else either). Tonight is one of those nights. This is complicated further by crazy vivid dreams. Some of the reading I've done blames these on progesterone....I equate it to a ketamine coma. The progesterone knocks you out, and then you wake up in a nightmare. I wish my body would produce some benzo alternative to counteract this.

I think I'm also restless cause I'm excited about having everyone for dinner tomorrow night. I just wish I knew how many to expect....right now it's somewhere between 5 and 9. That's a big difference when it comes to serving a small crowd. The problem is, that most of my residency buddies never really know their schedule....everyone will tentatively say yes with the caveat that they may be too tired to come. I've also invited one of my chiefs and his fam....except even though we're buddies, I still don't like to bug him too much since he really doses make or break my call scheduled life. I guess I'll have to use the last form of communication available to me.....he's getting a page tomorrow. We all answer them from home, even at the strangest times....we can't help it....we feel compelled....so that's the last resort when all other modes fail...