Ego

Nothing is more fragile than the ego and confidence of a surgery resident. Everyday is an up and down roller coaster of residents, attendings and fellows telling you you either cut it or don't. Usually these are small little things but they add up, and the smallest comment or disappointment can set you back with the blink of an eye. Of course there are bigger more objective measures too that can really bust your bubble. So we just got the scores from our national surgery in service exam. Let's just say I dd less than stellar and am on the shit list.

I knew I didn't do that well...I was expecting a disappointment....but I did even worse than I thought imaginable. The thing is, I don't think of myself as a crappy resident. I don't feel like everyone around me has some huge knowledge base I lack. I do know I hate standardized exams and have a really tough time with them.... I also know that my first trimester was the entire hardcore study time before my exam. I'm embarrassed however. I feel like even though exhaustion and constant nausea should be a good reason for not doing stellar on an exam that it's not legit. Ug.

Well...looks like I have a mandatory reading program with a faculty mentor looking over my shoulder in my future. Morale is low. Confidence in doctorly abilities is zero. Time to build myself up again.

Kids

So I just started my pediatric surgery rotation. I haven't taken care of kids since the third year of med school....and then it was just kids with RSV...I wasn't actually doing surgery on them. It's kind of crazy actually....first of all I didn't realize how young 16 year olds were. When I was 16 I thought I had everything figured out. But these kids come to the hospital and are totally content to watch cartoons and stuff like that...they still look to their parents for all the answers. Weird. They also do things a lot differently with kids....for instance if I were taking care of an adult I would expect them to be able to take a certain amount of pain and to be responsible enough to get themselves out of bed. But with kids they sedate them for everything and will give then days of coaxing to get them moving. I don't know if the sedation is really for the kid or for the provider truthfully. The kids do a lot of screaming and crying but I really don't think it's due to pain most of the time. I think they are scared out of their little minds. A strange place, strange people, plus they just got hurt and their parents are upset too. I was on call the other night and I had a kid with a 5% superficial burn to his arm and shoulder. Yeah I know it hurt, but it wasn't going to feel better until I debrided it and got a dressing on it. The parents were totally freaked out because now they thought they were terrible parents....of course they weren't....but they didn't see it that way. These accidents happen. You can only be so paranoid and so careful....things happen. Of course trying to tell distraught parents this doesn't really get you anywhere. So I gave the parents a couple options. They could either sit there with their screaming kid (yes we had given him pain meds, we aren't cruel) for 4 hours so I could sedate him. Or we could give a little more pain medicine and go for it. Either way there was going to be screaming and crying. They were pretty reasonable people and just wanted to get stuff done, so I went for it. In an adult this procedure would have taken me 10 minutes tops. But with a squirming, screaming kid it took forever. I think it may have taken 5 years off my own life in the process too. In the end the kid had his dressing on over a burn that was debrided to the best of my ability. There was still screaming and crying....but only when I came back into the room. Good luck bringing him to the doctor any time soon...

Feelin' good

So today I finally had a meeting with my trainer. It's been a long time since I've done much physical activity. But I feel pretty darn good now. The funny thing about being pregnant and working out is that your body is not your own. A couple crunches and then I have to pee and burp, and almost puke. But we took it slow and I enjoyed myself. I feel pretty darn energized too. Going to have to keep this up....like I used to before the parasite moved in.

Gettin' fat

So before I became pregnant I was a big athlete. I did a lot of running and I had a trainer....I wasn't ripped but I tried....and during residency that's all you really can do. But ever since I became pregnant things have changed. That first trimester was the worst. First of all I was afraid the little guy would jump off if I worked out hard. Yes I know that's ridiculous, but when you want to be pregnant so much you can taste it your brain does crazy stuff. Now of course I have not done any serious exercise in months...add this to the cold weather, the previous holiday season and working 80hr weeks....ick. So now I'm afraid I'm going to balloon even further and end up like one of the chicks on the Biggest Loser. I'm short...I don't have r0om for much more weigth on this little frame. Plus I've already gained 10 pounds! Most women gain somewhere between 20 and 30 lbs for each pregnancy....I guess I could safely gain another 20. That still scares the crap out of me....I've never been this big in my entire life.

So I do have a plan. I'm going to try and eat more fruits and veggies....it's been iffy before now cause I needed to eat things I could keep down, and they just weren't appealing to me. I need to drink more water instead of soda or lemonade. I just need to get my bootie movin'. I made an appointment with my trainer for this week...which should be good, and the hubby and I went for a walk today. I just need to do something. I know once it gets warm out it will be easier. But with feet of snow on my doorstep I need to do something now. Wish me luck!

Snow storm

So Iive in the Mid-Atlantic region that just got toppled with a giant snow storm. For normal people this is a reason to panic and buy unnecessary groceries in quantity and scramble home as soon as possible. For those of us however that are "essential" employees this is not the case. On Friday afternoon we were all well aware that the snow was coming....but the question was whether to go home with the possibility of not returning or to stay the night with the hopes of finding a cot to sleep on. The nurses always think they have it rough....and they do....but they have unions and stuff that make sure they get cots or beds to sleep on. Residents however have a certain number of call rooms available...and once those are taken you're pretty much out of luck. So despite fair warning I went home even though I knew I was on call Saturday. The idea of staying at the hospital from Friday morning til Sunday morning was not appealing...as was the notion of sleeping on a cold and dirty floor.

So Saturday morning I layered up and went for it. I didn't make it to the end of my complex.....I didn't even make it to the end of the driveway. Fortunately my husband was able to walk to me and keep me company as we waited for the tow truck to get us unstuck. But then the craziest thing happened. The tow truck guy told us to follow him so we could get my car back in the garage. Then the tow truck got stuck, and so did we. The truck got out and took off.....we later got a call from them stating it was too dangerous for them to be in our area and if it was an emergency to call 911. Mind you we were stuck in the middle of an intersection.

So after abandoning my car I actually still made it into work, although late. My chief lives close by and he picked me up hours later with his SUV. I admit I was hoping for a day off. My husband was too....he was worried about his pregnant wife getting stuck in a snow bank or worse.