Ego

Nothing is more fragile than the ego and confidence of a surgery resident. Everyday is an up and down roller coaster of residents, attendings and fellows telling you you either cut it or don't. Usually these are small little things but they add up, and the smallest comment or disappointment can set you back with the blink of an eye. Of course there are bigger more objective measures too that can really bust your bubble. So we just got the scores from our national surgery in service exam. Let's just say I dd less than stellar and am on the shit list.

I knew I didn't do that well...I was expecting a disappointment....but I did even worse than I thought imaginable. The thing is, I don't think of myself as a crappy resident. I don't feel like everyone around me has some huge knowledge base I lack. I do know I hate standardized exams and have a really tough time with them.... I also know that my first trimester was the entire hardcore study time before my exam. I'm embarrassed however. I feel like even though exhaustion and constant nausea should be a good reason for not doing stellar on an exam that it's not legit. Ug.

Well...looks like I have a mandatory reading program with a faculty mentor looking over my shoulder in my future. Morale is low. Confidence in doctorly abilities is zero. Time to build myself up again.